We all know and love the holy trinity of dating apps: Bumble, Tinder, and Hinge. But these apps require conversation, and conversation blows. Imagine a local underground organization of like minded individuals you can go to with all your freshmen-in-college pent up and unexpressed sexual desires.

Here’s how it works. Both members and potential clients sign up with us, the home team, and create a three to seven picture profile. The only catch is that signing up as a client makes your profile visible to all members, but for a member profile to become available to a client, that member first has to like the potential client’s profile, thus approving their ability to bid on a quick make-out session in a neutral location.

So, I’m a member. I registered, and now I’m scrolling through people who have come to our website looking for lust. There’s a solid four staring me down and I’m really pinched for money right now, so I hold my breath and approve them, making my profile visible to them. The next day, I log in again. Holy shit. This guy would pay $30 to make-out with me for thirty seconds? How bad could it be? I meet him at our soft prostitution offices and enter a half-furnished room with a bouncer standing outside in case things get rape-y or more than sixty seconds pass. He shuts his eyes and lean in. I do the same. The timer starts. Thirty seconds later, I’m thirty dollars richer. A dollar a second. That’s $3,600 dollars an hour, if you were wondering.

This one would really take off if it wasn’t so illegal. Such a shame.

If you live in Amsterdam (or do it anyway), let me know via Venmo or I’ll fly to you and do a human rights documentary on your operation and get it shut down faster than you can say “consent.” Bitch. Thanks.

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