“Your current shot percentage is: worse than Stevie Wonder’s. And he was fucking blind.”

“Welcome to the gym, Helen Keller! The hoop is ten feet that way!”

Part of being a top tier athlete is dealing with the stress of on the court shit talkers who try to psyche you out using profane insults in an attempt to cultivate a very distracting emotion: rage. No one plays at the peak of their ability when they’re running on rage, and so the best competitive approach is to try to control it. The only problem is, that takes practice. Which is where we come in.

Our idea is simple: a basketball encoded with research backed quotes proven to induce a blind, all consuming rage in the athletes they’re directed at. These balls would be used during practice in order to prepare players for the real deal.

The ball would operate on a lightweight battery system with a weight distribution identical to NBA standards, and a programmable memory capacity of up to 100 quotes, spit out in a completely random order. Online, downloadable update packages would keep the quotes fresh, and would correlate with ongoing studies of which combinations of words produce the most anger in sport practicing settings.

It’s simple, yet brilliant. Your move, Spalding. All I ask for is 1% of profits for the next 10 years. Keep shooting, guys.

Leave a comment

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: