“Mom! Mom! Mom!” “Yes?” “Mom! Can we get a snow cone?” “Honey, we’re driving home from the ice cream place!” Your eyes flick up to the rearview mirror and you see tears welling in your little angel’s eyes. “But…but…” Oh geez. Oh man. Fuck. Fucking shit. “…but mom…I really want a snow cone…” Nice. Your […]
Author Archives: thecompassenterprises
Televised Gladiator Fights To Reduce Jail Sentences (#25)
It’s Friday night. You’re chilling with a friend in his living room and ESPN is blaring through his TV speakers. Right now it’s Joe Rogan’s voice, announcing the participants in a fight scheduled to begin in less than five minutes. “Ladies and gentlemen, tonight we have a special treat for you – the prison fight […]
A Matching App That Finds Celebrities In Your Area Willing To Take Pictures With You For Money (#24)
Clout prostitution – a phenomenon in which people exchange their clout for money. Huge market. Largely untapped. Picture this. You’re in New York City. You know who else is in New York City? An assload of celebrities. Our recently developed app has just been released and you have a beta version downloaded on your phone. […]
Yelp But For People: A Comprehensive Review Site For Every Person On Earth (#23)
If you were thinking about buying a new car you’d do some research first, right? Well, what if you googled the car you really wanted – your dream car – and Edmund’s, the top car reviewing website on the internet, said it was an unreliable piece of shit? That might change your approach to the […]
Paid Entrance To A Privately Owned Island Where Every Drug Is Legal (#22)
Step 1: Buy a private island. Step 2: Register the island with the UN as its own country. Step 3: Ship in every drug known to mankind. Step 4: Charge people to visit the island and try the drug(s) of their choice. Step 5: Become the richest person on earth. Literally so easy. I just […]
The Real Life Truman Show: A TV Show That Broadcasts A Really Boring Guy 24/7 (#21)
The Truman Show is one of the sickest movies of all time. It’s about a guy (played by Jim Carrey) coming to the realization that his entire life is a reality TV show. Since the day of his birth…are these spoilers? Maybe. Stop reading if you haven’t seen the movie. Since the day of his […]
A Law Requiring All Vapes To Be Shaped Like Dicks (#20)
Picture this: you’re at a party, getting that tingling feeling on your lips that can only be solved by a splash of nicotine to the lungs. You reach for your vape…and as your hand touches it you remember the new FDA policy. It was enacted on September 1st of 2020. From that day forward, the […]
A Nicotine Quitting Package From Juul (#19)
E-cigarettes were originally designed to serve as both a healthier alternative to actual cigarettes and a means for quitting smoking altogether, but instead of decreasing the number of nicotine dependents listed on cancer’s tax return, they’ve exponentially increased it. Two totally new populations of addicts have emerged from these clouds: chache high schoolers trying to […]
Showers That Let You Select Water Temperature (#18)
Finding the perfect equilibrium between the hot and cold knobs of a shower system is a nearly impossible dance of little twists and turns that either scorch you or freeze you, and 99% of the time ends in you settling for a temperature that’s “close enough.” But “close enough” is no way for you to […]
Vitamin Toothpaste (#17)
No one actually takes daily vitamins on a routine basis. People barely take daily birth control, and being pregnant on accident sucks way more than not having vitamins in your body. Honestly, to be completely frank, I have no fucking clue what vitamins actually do. Make you healthier? Maybe. I don’t know. Either way, science […]
